Nobody could enjoy watching

Malta 0-4 England - 2018 World Cup Qualifier - September 1st, 2017

this England play.

Led by the dullard in chief, Gareth Southgate, what else should we expect from a team except a tedious exercise in doing nowt but infuriating those watching.

As per usual I hadn’t tuned into the build up on telly, thank god, that was a real brains trust, Giggs, Wright and Ince – what’s happened to Ince’s neck? He’s gone all Gladstone Small. So didn’t see the team sheet but as they came out of the tunnel, I knew this was gonna be a chore.

So many players that are so easy to dislike.

First up, from his stupid Dwayne Dibbley pained, confused face to his stupid arse hanging out gait, fifty million quids worth of Raheem Sterling. Dithering Dwayne had a glorious chance early on but he’s so inept, thick and dithering that he tried to get the ball on his right foot… even though it was on his right foot to begin with.

Raheem Sterling… confused dot com.

Starting on the left every time got the ball he came back inside on his right. His defender didn’t exactly read him like a book, it wasn’t even a pamphlet… more a memo.

I mean how bad do you have to be that Gareth Southgate substitutes you during halftime? A manager with some balls would have dragged him off earlier but then if the ref had a pair Southgate wouldn’t have had the chance as he would be coming off after his second yellow.

Oh apparently it was hard for him according to Southgate, poor dear. Yet with Rashford’s first touch after replacing Sterling he managed to beat his man, flew past his defender, didn’t cut inside.

It was a blessed relief when he didn’t appear for the second half. Unfortunately it was the only change. Over on the other side of the pitch was a player I’m so glad I won’t have to watch week after week now. I do hope some of those that have been lamenting the departure of Walker from Spurs watched this game. This is what you saw game after game not the myth you’ve built up in your mind.

A slow dithery waste of time and space. The fullback flying down the wing and getting the cross in is a fantasy. It didn’t happen. He got the ball, did that stupid cross over leg thing, that moved the ball inside, passed it off either sideways or back and stood there. Doing nothing. Acres of space on the right, someone looking to pass it out there and Walker is standing inside picking his nose.

It would be OK if in the middle wasn’t Livermore and Henderson. Why did Southgate feel the need to play to shielding midfielders against Malta? I know they had a few attempts but come on, it’s Malta.

I saw Henderson getting a load of 7/10 in the papers. I assume it’s one point for turning up, one for having his name spelled correctly on his shirt and five for being a Liverpool player. Much like Sterling’s 4s, first two points as before and two extra for once playing for Liverpool.

Henderson’s accurate set pieces and balls into the box was the explanation. Err, powder puff floated balls that caused no panic in the Maltese defence. That gets you a 7. With his troglodyte chin and nothing performance I can see why Southgate handed him the armband. With displays like that if he still played for Sunderland he wouldn’t be getting high praise.

Chamberlain showed that he’s not a winger now. His previous games for England showed he’s not a central midfielder. His move from ARSEnal showed another wasted English talent, laid low by Wenger. I saw him marked up for a shot.

Hell, for all the “wingers” on show and Henderson’s balls into the box, Kane put the best deliveries in. Which led from a very flattering 1-0 victory becoming a hugely flattering 4-0 win.

Kane had his first attempt brilliantly saved by Hogg in the Maltese goal. Harry obviously forgetting that it was now September and August is long gone. He remedied this in the second half with his first of the season, after Dele finally found some space and played him in, with two Maltese defender dropping back to play Kane onside.

Shortly after he had a cracking shot from well outside the box, again well saved by Hogg. Hogg maybe should have done a little better with Bertand’s shot that brought England’s second.

Kane put in an excellent ball for Welbeck to score the third. The type of ball Kane should be on the other end of. He got it from Rashford for the fourth.

Vardy had come on to make it a four. He came on for Dele when anyone with a bit of sense would have dropped Dele back and removed one of the two holding dolts. But that trio Kane, Rashford and Welbeck should start the Slovakia as the front three.

Will Southgate’s run of luck continue tonight. The addition of Dier should help but if the defence can’t stop Malta having shots then. And well, Southgate is the only one out there that believes Hart is England’s best keeper, I bet even Hart doesn’t and christ he ain’t half full of himself.

You can only hope it isn’t as much a boreathon as the Malta game, how many retweets for a pitch invasion…

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