It looked like England’s hosts believed their own hype in last night’s World Cup qualifier. All they had to do was turn up to win. That’s England’s routine and as with England it didn’t quite work to plan.

A country of 53 million versus a country of 625,000. This was a meeting of two pretty equally matched teams.

Have to admit my viewing was intermittent during the first half – bloody ITV, bloody STV. But what I did see the home side were bloody awful. Montenegro kept gifting England the ball, closer to Joe Hart’s goal they were the worse they got.

It was an easy ride for England. Doesn’t make them world beaters as some would have you believe. Yes they had good possession but what did they do with it? Rooney back to his best. My god he ran about a bit, hit a nice chip onto the post and scored with a free header. You’d think he was Messi the praise I heard.

But with Rooney running about all over the place, Welbeck wide left and Milner on the right there was no one in the box. No focal point.

Milner on the right. Now I’m not as adverse to Milner’s place in the team as many are but his place isn’t as a wide man – I’d rather see him in the middle instead of Gerrard. England are picking players out of position just to cover for the inabilities of others. Milner, only picked as the wide right man because Johnson is inept at right-back. That’s no way to select a starting XI. Oh yes, Johnson can have shots but he can’t defend, you know the job of a defender.

On the other side it’s the same really. Welbeck is chosen for his tracking back to cover for the best left-back the world has ever seen (© English media). I read that Ashley Cole was a defensive rock whereas I kept seeing those in red running past him with ease. Feel Welbeck is wasted out there. He certainly didn’t deserve the yellow card for diving when he was clearly clipped a couple of times.

Two up at half-time though would have flattered England no matter what the pundits said.

One up was certainly an embarrassment for the home side as things were somewhat different after the break. They brought on Damjanovic immediately, well after he’d sorted his hair and just attacked. England were all over the place.

Again England were lucky that when Montenegro got close to Hart’s goal they contrived to butcher everything. Wrong passes, miscontrols, inept shots. But they were running rings around the visitors. Carrick went missing, Cleverly… oh he was playing well if you could disappear more than being anonymous then he did, Gerrrard fannied about giving the ball away and resorting to good old fashioned humps up the park that gave the ball away.

Speaking of humps up the park giving the ball away. Was it Roy Hodgson’s plan or did Joe Hart come up with it himself to kick every goal-kick, or ball out of hand, down the right wing out of touch. Because who ever came up with it must have been pleased with the amount of times it worked.

Despite how poor Montenegro were in the final third it only looked like a matter of time before they would equalise. England just never looked like being able to hold out for a whole half. Especially as the manager stood there apparently clueless that he could change things with substitutions. But then knowing the way he seems to think he would have brought on the likes of Lampard or Parker. Don’t know what would be worse, those players or the status quo.

Of course he could have introduced some pace with Oxlade-Chamberain but that would have weakened the defence.

When it came England gave Damjanovic enough chances to score. Pinball from a corner, what three attempts by the player to eventually put it in. Think he might have had his hair ruffled after scoring. From there you could only see Montenegro winning. Yes Gerrard had his glory shot that failed like so many before.

A win wouldn’t have flattered the hosts. It was a game of two halves but they were far better during their period of domination than England were during theirs.

Roy still says England’s fate is in their own hands. Yes but that likely means they’ll have to beat Montenegro in the return fixture and it’s three games against them now without a victory. Handed yet another piss easy World Cup qualifying group and England are again struggling.

Best you can say is that at the moment England look about as likely World Cup winners as the hosts Brazil do.

Montenegro 1 - 1 England

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And I know I denigrate those very same rankings when it comes to the top 20 or so – lower down they’re more accurate – but losing to this England side and playing as they did it almost looks their level.

Yeah again it was a friendly, they hardly looked bothered for most of the match, though if they had upped it you felt a win could have been easy for them you still have the feeling Big Phil Scolari has a bit of work to do if they want to win the World Cup in their own back yard next year.

Maybe he would have been better taking the England job. I mean after last night they’re now odds on favourite for the trophy and in Wilshere possess the greatest player the world has seen. With Walcott not far behind while Ashley Cole is the greatest left back ever.

Of course Phil would have probably been long now if he had taken the job – it’s three managers ago he should have been runner up to Guus Hiddink – and well he was only one limp penalty, a couple pieces of inept forward play and crossbar away from a comfortable victory against this great England side.

Yes it was a penalty, this old he turned his back doesn’t quite work because players know by that logic they can stick their arms out to try and block the ball without punishment. Maybe if they just tried to block crosses instead of poncing out they won’t give away penalties.

Piss weak penalty attempt from Ronaldinho, followed up by a great save from Hart and then a pathetic miss from Neymar, though could it have been another penalty in the process? Another maybe worse miss by the rising superstar after a cracking cross by Oscar – where he skinned club-mate Ashley Cole.

Cole who was winning his 100th cap, received all the plaudits during the build up about being the best left back England has ever had if not the world has ever seen. He played up to his usual standard, from most of the previous 99 appearances, was poor defensively and offered very little going forward before being replaced at half-time by the player who should be the number one choice Leighton Baines who was also feature don the front cover of the match programme.

That publication’s cover much like England’s left side when a cross field ball is played – Cole missing.

One did wonder at the reaction of Neymar’s club chairman at every miss. Was it a head in the hands job thinking that’s another million knocked off Chelsea or Citeh’s offer?

But he wasn’t alone Brazil were pretty poor all around. Bar Oscar and two of the second half substitutes, Fred and da Silva Lucas. Fred who scored a cracker and could have had a couple more. Slow motion replays showing him never looking up when the ball was coming to him, never taking his eyes of it, knowing exactly where the goal was. Lucas dribble through England’s defence repeatedly after his arrival.

But that was maybe the real fault of Brazil. They kept coming inside, too many players wanting to occupy the same ground, while the flanks were screaming out to be attacked with Cole and Glen Johnson at fullback.

England were of course playing that game as well. Until Walcott finally kept wide, beat his man and created danger. The real surprise was he did it again. Usually when it works so well once it’s never seen again.

By this time England were one up after Wilshere found a gaping hole with a pass – only a genius would have seen the open acres of space – Walcott actually read the passage of play, should have score but Rooney did from the ‘keeper’s save.

Second half opened up with some classic English defensive dithering. To me, to you passing. Which brings on the opposition bringing on panic in players that aren’t that comfortable with the ball, loss of possession and Fred finishing.

Walnut staying wide lead to the winner. Frank Lampard doing what he does. Scoring. He doesn’t do anything else.

Throughout it all Wilshere ran the game we were told by the media as their frenzy grew – Pele, Messi, Ronaldo, Gazza all rolled into one – while never once closing his mouth or not having his tongue sticking out. Must have left a trail of drool all over Wembley, like a snail trail.

Brazil may have skilful players but England have Wilshere and he can dribble without the ball.

England 2 - 1 Brazil

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With the help of a number of England players.

An aimless, pretty hapless game that shouldn’t give many in England’s qualifying group nightmares bumbled along it’s merry way last night in front of a half dead crowd in Stockholm. Two seemingly equally matched sides, equally adept at giving the ball away, bumbling along until Ibrahimovic decided to prevent England’s first victory in the Swedish capital since 1937.

I had thought it would be better to watch this England side. Full of kids and the previously untried, not too many of the usual suspects that make such games a chore – it could have done with still fewer, Gerrard, Young and Johnson. But the first half hour put pay to that.

A sign of things to come came when Cahill and Hart had a slight misunderstanding which they just got away with.

England’s slackness in passing gave away the first goal as Johnson played Sterling a poor pass, now the youngster was maybe fouled but he is lightweight and knocked off the ball with ease, that didn’t excuse Gerrard standing there with his arm up ell after no whistle had been blown. Gerrard lollygagged back so the overlapping Sweden player out wide had an easy cross. Cualker blocked well from Ibrahimovic’s first attempt but unluckily for him the ball fell back for the striker to guide a toe-poke into the top of the net. Cahill jumping about moaning, yet he the experienced man is not the one covering Ibrahimovic but the guy on his first cap.

After some more playing others into trouble by Johnson, Cahill and Hart tried their part piece once again. Again Sweden couldn’t capitalise.

England’s equaliser came, ironically, from the thing Raheem Sterling did wrong far too much in the game. All night while there was acres of space out wide for him to run into he chose to run inside towards goal, into a packed area that he very rarely got clear from. This time though he played a great ball to Young on the left. Immediately it looked like Young had butchered the move as he did his usual try and turn inside and get the ball on his right. When that failed as the ball got tangled under his feet, he for once decided not to throw himself to ground – it hadn’t worked on the previous few attempts – and actually made space for himself making to the byeline and crossed it with his left. Now I do think the Swedish ‘keeper could have done something about the cross, he didn’t, Welbeck did.

At the time I said bet he [Young} never does that again. He didn't. Bar the few dramatic tumbles it was all he did all night.

After this Gerrard got more adventurous and decided it was Hollywood ball time. I'll give you three guesses how they went.

The lead for England came shortly after as again Sterling headed inside. This time fouled. From the set piece Gerrard actually managed to find a decent ball and an England player as Caulker got on the end of it. Bit unfair on the captain there maybe he had put in a decent free-kick earlier in proceedings - that should get him at least a 6/10.

The game went back to it's inept bumbling for nearly another 40 minutes. Surprisingly Roy made no moves at half-time but as soon as he did so did Ibrahimovic. Wilshere came on after about an hour and immediately stood there with his mouth open and his tongue sticking out. Sure there was dribbling involved.

Was it Ibrahimovic's wild swipe that flew far wide of Hart's goal that led to the chants of your just a shit Andy Carroll?

When the defence was then changed it was time. One chip over the back-line and Shawcross was too far away from Ibrahimovic to play his normal game - pull his shirt, kick him you know the Stoke way - the striker chests it down perfectly for the volley and the equaliser.

The winner didn't come long after, Ibrahimovic's hat-trick, shouldn't have beaten Joe Hart on the side he should have been covering, not from a daisy cutter. It was just one error amongst a few on a night the 'keeper will want to forget. The calls for his head though he's had a bad trot of things though are extremely premature.

His night of course would get worse as Ibrahimovic provided the coup de grâce. A hump up the park is met by Hart's header way out of his box. Not able to get much distance on it you'd still think how far out and wide of the goal the danger was passed even though Hart was barely back in the area.

Ibrahimovic's bicycle kick was audacious, was part lucky but was meant and was brilliant and one of the best goals I've ever seen.

Now have to say I haven't seen much of Ibrahimovic, just some internationals at tournaments and European games for the many top teams around the continent he's played for and he hasn't really impressed. Now you have to qualify it with the facts that it was just a friendly and it was only against England but of the four goals scored - the first player to score four against England in their 915 games, first hat-trick against them since Marco van Basten in 1988 and only the 11th ever - one was really well taken, one was brilliantly taken and one was outstanding to a degree it ranks amongst the best ever.

And as England lost their unbeaten run under Roy Hodgson - the penalty defeat to Italy in the Euros doesn't really count - they also lost the lead of World Cup qualifying group H to Montenegro.

Sweden 4 - 2 England

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* this is other news compared to an incident after the game when I saved someone’s life with the good old Heimlich manoeuvre as they were choking on a partially masticated Brazil nut.

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I take it rain interrupted play or was it bad light?

After the debates about the merits of the likes of San Marino being included in the qualifying process for the World Cup or Euros – which always comes around after England have struggled against such sides – I have to say I’ve mixed feelings.

On the one hand they are a waste of time. Bunch of no hopers who bar one ply their trade in San Marino and that trade isn’t football, that other one plays in the Italian fourth division. In the 115 games since their first outing at the “top level” in 1990, they’ve avoided defeat 5 times. One win and four draws.

That win must be a real blight on the record of the Liechtenstein national football team, a team you feel are in the same bracket though they came into the qualifying set up 6 years later than San Marino. Liechtenstein only lost to England 2-0 in both the qualifiers for the 2004 World Cup and just narrowly lost 2-1 to Scotland for the Euros just gone.

But on the other hand watching England struggle at home to the joint lowest FIFA ranked team in the world is frustratingly fun to watch for a masochist.

Masochist that watches it on the telly, or computer, rather than fork out good money to actually watch this spectacle. Even with prices at £20 to £40 quid that was a ridiculous price for a game against San Marino. Though obviously not ridiculous enough to stop the place being almost full.

Maybe people were enthused at the idea of finally seeing an England side without the Golden Generation of Failures. No Gerrard, Lampard, Terry, Ferdinand or Cole.

I did win a small bet on the night, I said they wouldn’t score within the first 20 minutes, even with the stoppage for the visiting ‘keeper wiping out Walcott, they comfortably managed to see out 20 minutes before conceding with the opener coming after 35. I did lose another bet when after Walnut’s substitution I lengthened my prediction to the full half. Only 10 minutes off that. You’d be surprised to learn the talk of that cricket score I heard on news reports throughout the day were met with some derision.

Now if they England, at Wembley, had gone at the break at nil, nil, would there have been boos and if so what would the reaction of Rooney have been in his official capacity as England captain?

Whatever you think about booing your own side going in at half-time without scoring against San Marino deserves bird.

Other than all that what is there to say about the game. Nowt much.

Other than it showed how dim the lot in white were in figuring out how to get past the flat back 10. Constantly coming inside into the completely congested area just in front of the San Marino box was bleeding ridiculous.

Someone needs to take a video of the second goal and show it repeatedly to Lennon and Walker, so both club and country can benefit. How many times this season has Lennon been played a ball through the channel that he can run onto, get to the byeline and cut it back and it’s resulted in a goal? And how many times after that has happened have you seen it happen again in the same game? Well whatever the answer to the first one is the second one is “bugger all”.

It’s the perfect ball to Lennon. Not the high cross field pass to him having to jump on the sideline. Not the ball to him as he’s facing his own have. Not the ball to him when he’s stationery.

Now we just have to wait for Roy to bring back Gerrard, Cole and Johnson for the Poland game. What joy.

England 5 - 0 San Marino

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So only consolation, well unlike 1993 they didn’t concede this time out. Though like last time will they regret not doing a better job of putting the visitors out of site. Some say 5-0 was par, well they put a net 12 past them in ’93 and not doing more resulted in a wasted trip by yours truly to the U.S. in ’94 – well it wasn’t that wasted – with goal difference being the clincher for the Dutch qualifying before Graham Taylor’s England.

San Marino 1 - 7 England

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Hapless, hopeless, outplayed and technically exposed when up against a half decent side – it does take a major side to embarrass them – and ultimately lucky. Very lucky.

All backed up by more ridiculous pronouncements by the manager.

Straight from the off you knew what was coming, as England faced Ukraine in their first home game of the 2014 qualifying campaign, as Phil Jagielka played an England player into trouble with each of his first few passes. There are so few central defenders available to Hodgson who are comfortable enough on the ball to play the possession game. Last night neither on show were. Blind panic often ensues and the ball is offloaded in a haste to someone, anyone, so the ball heads to a player who is closely marked who hasn’t the ability themselves to keep control under such pressure.

The two youngsters who performed in the previous match on Friday against Moldova were guaranteed not to perform here. With Oxlade-Chamberlain in particular you feel that the exuberance, the excitement we want to see from him was drummed out of him for this game by the management. Starting with the criticism of his defensive work. Hodgson cannot have a go at any of the forward player’s defensive inadequacies when he repeatedly picks the likes of Glen Johnson and Joleon Lescott in the back four.

The one player who could add a spark, stamped on. Hodgson compounding it all when he made his third substitution and picked took off the one decent defender he had on, Baines.

The whole game can be summed up by ITV, who at half-time told us it was a great game, when it was mediocre at best. Defoe was unlucky to be penalised when he scored a pretty good goal, when the stiff arm has never been legal in the game. Steven Gerrard was unlucky to be sent off, when he should probably have seen a straight red for his first offence. His second was a shocker. Then Andy Townsend chose his man of the match and his three choices contained three of the worst players on the aprk – only had to add Lescott and Jagielka for the full set. Gerrard, Lampard and Johnson.

Lampard getting the nod, only it seems because Gerrard was sent off. Completely oblivious to the fact Lampard did bugger all for most of the game. No tackling, no dribbling and his passing was nothing. Johnson was a liability in defence, his actual role on the park. All the Ukraine’s dangerous stuff targeted his side. Gerrard was along with Lescott at fault for the Ukraine goal, the glory Hollywood balls were back, some came off, only because the recipient pulled something out of the bag, with an extra stretch or leap. Opponents just ran past him with ease.

Yet another waste of a cap game from him, even before his sending off. Which highlighted another major problem for England as he trudged off – to a standing ovation from the 68,102 crowd – anyone believe that figure? Wide open spaces of red seats, more than 12,000. – You applaud that rubbish then that’s what you’ll keep getting. The red card should have been greeted with cheers of relief, not admiration.

Only player who made a real positive difference on the park for England was Welbeck after he came on.

Yup I’ll admit it I wanted Roy in the job, had done for a long time. I thought he’d be better, different, but when he picks the same old failures and after a game like that comes out with the kind of crap he did…

I was very pleased with many of the aspects of the play tonight. I leave Wembley a lot more confident that we have a group of players who will take this England team to Rio..

I admit I got it wrong, it’s the same old, same old. Another Keggy, Keegle, another Svennis, another McClown, another Fabio. Hopeless.

England 1 - 1 Ukraine

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But you know he hasn’t. You know what he thinks he saw isn’t what he actually did, by he effusive praise of certain individuals and the knowledge they’ll be there against Ukraine on Tuesday.

What he really saw was the established players, those undeserving of their place, there on name not performance, the usual suspects were responsible for nearly all of the possession Moldova had, especially in the first half.

While we were told what a good game Gerrard and Lampard had by their media chums, they repeatedly gifted the hosts the only ball they saw in the opening 45 minutes. Gerrard time and time again lined up and put in one of those over exaggerated side foot passes no where near one of his own players. Using the out of a stare at the pitch indicating a bad bobble when none existed and no one else seemed ready to blame the pitch.

Lampard scored the penalty and ghosted in for the second goal on the night and that is enough to get you a 7 out of 10, aimless flicks and dinks that just lose the ball are overlooked for those two goals.

Joe Hart was another one seemingly cruising on easy street. Number one choice now, no real competition. So flapping at crosses was joined by stupid aimless kicks up the park at the two midgets in the nine and ten shirts. Defoe on Cleverly’s shoulders probably wouldn’t have won some of the balls. With the fact Moldova dropped back and didn’t really press England’s defence there was no reason for the humps up the park. Simple ball out to the fullback, England keep the ball and start another attack or hump up the park and lose it.

I suppose the exception that proved the rule was Lescott. Not quite fully established usual suspect, though he’s getting there – faster than he gets to dangerous defensive situations – when he wasn’t going through his usual dopey Doris defending antics he was playing every pass short. The number of times he played Leighton Baines into trouble was ridiculous.

It was those insecure of their starting place that performed. Baines – though he could have been better, stop stopping when he could carry on to the byeline, probably Ashley Young syndrome with Lampard/Gerrard screaming Me! Me! Me! – yes there was a wicked deflection on his free-kick for his goal but it was still a better set piece than Gerrard put in and far in excess of anything Ashley Cole could do. Cleverley who admittedly against piss poor opposition had a pretty good game, fitting in well into the number 10 role. And Oxlade-Chamberlain who showed how dangerous he can be, would have shown more if he’d listened to Gary Neville’s exhortations from the sideline. Don’t see how he couldn’t hear Roy’s assistant, we all did some 1,500 miles away. He was screaming Get at ‘im! every time the winger received the ball with the fullback to beat. Had him on toast, just cut inside a bit too much.

Roy had to find some fault, has already given the kid a dressing down in the Euros. But quite frankly is a disgrace hypocrisy for Hodgson to criticise the kid for his defensive work when the manager has picked Glen Johnson at right-back. Johnson struck lucky here. He could spend most of the game in the opponents half but what little defending he had to do showed yet again what a liability he is. When you ad in the Walcott factor on that right hand side you see while Milner is picked, it’s to cover Johnson’s inadequacies.

Walcott, oh dear the praise for Milner’s goal. Typical run from him, never in control of he ball and lucky to get it back when it bounced about as he ran into the defender. Then dithering about when he again got he ball in the box and should have shot.

It was also a typical Defoe performance, barely touched the ball, when he did he mostly either missed the target or hit a defender. Took his goal well because he didn’t have to think about it, just swing his leg on an excellent through ball from Oxlade-Chamberlain.

Put Milner in the middle with Carrick. Pick a better right-back and central defensive pair and decent winger, you might have the start of a good side who would be worth watching. But Roy will be sticking with the same old guard and he’ll be justified as this weak group will paper over the cracks.

Moldova 0 – 5 England

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A half full Wankdorf Stadium in Berne suggested no. Even if the Olympics hadn’t just finished there still wouldn’t be much interest in this game, many probably didn’t bother because the big names were missing.

The irony being that even though it wasn’t as good a performance as many in the media are trying to make out it was far better than we saw from those names at the Euros earlier in the summer highlighting exactly where Roy Hodgson went wrong with the tournament.

More should be interested in an England side shorn of scumbags like John Terry, Ashley Cole, minus the perennial underachievers of Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney and the out and out bums, Stuart Downing, Scott Parker, Glen Johnson. Playing in a more fluid formation that wasn’t just there to stifle and bore.

Seeing the kind of side Hodgson should have used in Poland and Ukraine playing so much better, though of course in a pre-season friendly rather than a competitive knock out game of a tournament, being the really frustrating part of watching. Yes some may have not been available in June but this far reflected what Roy should have done.

Bar Lampard of course, wasn’t a great corner for Jagielka’s equaliser, was just another aimless floater that he put in for set pieces throughout his time on e pitch. And maybe Ashley Young. Thought Young might have been better last night as Gerrard wasn’t in the team and the United winger plays better without Stevie Me in there. But no it was the Young we saw earlier in the summer, pretty damn useless with things perking up with Milner coming on, providing more than Young and putting in better set pieces than Lampard.

At times it seemed Young’s only contribution was being kicked by he Italian number 13, Astori, who did enough to be sent off at least twice with some shocking challenges but somehow played the full 90 minutes without even a yellow card.

Certainly wasn’t perfect, no Barca or Spain, but ball retention was better, was also no surprise without Gerrard and Parker in there. The problem is even how well Carrick and Cleverly played you know if and when the names are available they’ll be back, after all Gerrard is Roy’s captain no matter how detrimental he is to the side. You can see why many don’t want to be bench sitter, such as Carrick, when the first choice XI are so hopeless.

Defoe. The conundrum that is Defoe. Scores goals like that, looks the part. Then there’s the rest of the game when he’s either offside, unable to hold onto the ball, incapable or just uninterested in playing in other team mates. Looking ever part the impact sub, not a starter.

It offered promise, maybe that’s why Roy didn’t go with it at the Euros, stick with the bums and the fans won’t get too optimistic but you feel he only picked this lot because the ones he wanted weren’t available.

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I never thought they would outplay Italy, I never thought they’d pass it about like they knew what they were doing, I never thought they’d look like a proper football team but I thought with the luck they had previously and if Shearer can actually figure out that it’s “what he did” and not “what he done” then miracles can happen.

When De Rossi’s curler hit the post I definitely thought the luck was staying on England’s side. When Glen Johnson actually did something, getting into the box with some nice interplay, instaed of dithering, and scooped a shot for Buffon to save, I figured they’d nick it. When Pirlo picked the ball six yards inside his area, slowly ambled closer to the centre circle and launched a perfect ball into Balotelli, ineptly being played onside by Terry and Lescott ran up the pitch with his hand up, the Citeh striker dithering until Terry could get back and block his attempt, it’s got England win written all over it.

Even after a decent spell in the Italian half by England when they all of a sudden thought they were one up and reverted to the standard England type and dropped back, gave Italy all the space and possession required. Gonna fluke it.

As Pirlo started to completely control the game, unhindered by any English presence – in fact it wasn’t until extra-time that an England player got within 5 yards of the play maker and that was when Pirlo jumped to take a ball in front of Carroll – and the chances kept coming for the Azzurri there was only going to be one outcome.

As Balzaretti had the freedom of England’s right, expertly found time and time again by Pirlo, all through the second half and then Abate, Maggio and Diamanti took over on England’s left in extra-time, again from Pirlo. It was only a matter of time before England would get the winner. Set piece, own goal, hit of someone’s backside. It was gonna come.

Then when the ref blew for the end of extra-time they were going to double their penalty shoot-out wins.

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I figured Balotelli would miss, what with his perfect record from the spot – he didn’t – Montolivo looked nervous, he did miss, England now 2-1 ahead after Gerrard and Rooney had scored. Up stepped Pirlo, best player by a mile on the night, bound to miss, always the case, but no he didn’t did he, He Panenka’d it. It was fitting and as soon as he did it, it was all over.

Up stepped Ashley Young and pretty much put the seal on his atrocious tournament smacking the bar. But at least he put some effort into the penalty unlike Ashley Cole whose attempt was so pathetically dribbled for Buffon to barely have to make an effort of his own to save it for Diamanti to finally put us out of our misery.

And let the rewriting of history happen and it happened quickly when I was flicking through the channels on SkyNews some berk was interviewing a couple of stunned mullets – fish not Chrissy Waddle hairstyles, why did you chop the mullet before the 90 semi? – and stated that Italy, perhaps shaded it…. Err, perhaps, yes let’s see, they had most of the first half, all of the second half and all of extra-time. Yes that’s just shading it.

Forget Soviet Russia and Stalin’s removal of those out of favour from the archives or Ceausescu in Romania being made taller than visiting dignitaries in photos, or Korean tales of Dear Leader. History can’t be rewritten like that of England’s glorious exits from Euros or World Cups.

I know I bang on about stats being useless if you don’t do anything with them – doing something with possession and attempts rather than doing something with the actual stats numbers – but they don’t exactly tell a tale of England being slightly behind Italy…

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Yes I know the most telling stat is the 0-0 scoreline but just it shows England’s failings that have been there throughout the four games they’ve been pretty damn woeful in during this tournament.

This game was just like the rest. Having none of the ball because of an inability to pass to your own team mate without making it a struggle for them to control the ball. Kicking ball into space, instead of to a player’s feet. Prime example when England actually played a ball into the channels, unfortunately it was Parker playing the ball – is there anyone more limited? – two balls he played were exactly the same, both went of of play with the intended recipient having absolutely no hope of getting on the end. One was to Walcott the other to Milner. Now if Walcott can’t run onto a pass what chance has Milner?

Ten next to Parker you’ve got captain Marvel. Or so his media chums would have you believe. Gerrard, well he did reign in a number of those glory balls and replaced them with bugger all. Some slight running about and tackles. Well from the talk you’d think he tackled anything and everything. Well if that’s the case, Italy joined, France, Sweden and Ukraine in easily bypassing our midfield?

The pair sat there and were useless, as Shearer is calling for the striker’s to stifle Pirlo, how about our midfielders do it? It’s not like you’d miss ‘em.

Funny how they were all clutching at the straw of Pirlo tiring. Yet how many times have they themselves banged on about a team without the ball tires more than the team with it? Pirlo hardly had to do anything to exert any energy to get tired throughout the 120 minutes while still running the game. Gerrard and Parker were knackered.

Defended manfully. Oh Johnson’s getting high marks today. Ball to the Italian left was an easy out all night, Johnson was playing the Cole game. It was all last ditch stuff a lot of it very lucky last ditch stuff. Lescott was deer in the headlights again. Terry got lucky a number of times but he did put his body in front of the ball on a number of occasions. He didn’t Ferdinand – or should that be Gerrard? – out of blocking any shots.

Joe Hart. He’s the only world class player in an England shirt – Rooney’s failings yet again at a major championship prevent him from being included. In a way he was the difference between this and the last World Cup. He didn’t have much chance with the goals conceded, flapped a couple of times but made good saves and never once looked like throwing the ball into the back of his own net. Just he never really looked like saving a penalty either.

It’ll be rewritten as some sort of glorious failure a brave defeat in the face of the lottery of penalties.

It wasn’t it was a piss poor performance by a piss poor team who got lucky with the group – no coincidence that of the four semi-finalists none came from group A or D – and when the luck runs out you are what you are…

England 0 – 0 Italy

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…only ones less happy about it all would be the Germans. That semi could have been a right massacre.

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I’ve been struggling to figure out what Roy Hodgson is playing at since his squad for the forthcoming Euros was announced.

Is the list just a 23 – or 28 with the standbys – name resignation letter, or has he picked a squad that has been met with so much disdain to make it easier when England fail miserably. I mean with that lot if you’re expecting great things in Poland and Ukraine then there’s an email from Nigeria in your inbox needs your immediate attention.

I expect it’s the former. I wanted Roy to have the job, for years now, I wanted him to succeed but now I see the error of my ways because what we’ve got is the new boss… same as the old boss.

It’s the same old usual suspects, it’s the same old usual failures, it’s the same old usual picking players who are neither fit or in form, it’s the same old story, same old song and dance.

Yes Roy was hamstrung by certain players being unavailable, such as Walker who is injured. But other exclusions are of his own making. Picking Parker, who along with being vastly overrated and useless is struggling to be fit to play, in the squad and having Jordan Henderson who has been hopeless for his club, while ineptly out of his depth in his previous England outing as the standby. That’s why Carrick ruled himself out and can you blame him, being picked behind that pair. While they ooze about Spain etc. keeping the ball the one player we’ve got that can actually keep possession and pass to a team mate is expected to sit on the bench while either of them take the field.

Another are was the defence where Roy said it was a straight choicer between Phil Jones and Micah Richards. But why? Oh that’s why you’ve got Glen Johnson in there. There shouldn’t have to be a choice, Johnson shouldn’t go the other two should.

And then there’s Downing.

You’d think such a scholar as Roy would learn from history. Pick Downing and fail. He’s bringing great form with him ain’t he, no goals, no assists, no bleeding point. Adam Johnson, may not have been playing as much as Downing but when he did come on he created chances and scored goals. Lennon, same tired old clichés come out about final ball but it’s more about who hasn’t bothered to get onto the end of them for Spurs of late and the fact they never play him properly – we never get triangles and balls behind the fullback, no he gets Gerrard smacking cross field, glory, balls that make the little fella jump up to stop the ball going out of play and stop all momentum, or it’s simply just played behind him.

Brings us to Gerrard guaranteed his place now he’s captain. Here’s another one, win percentage with his club is nearly half when he’s playing than when he’s missing. No one pointing until with Dalglish’s dismissal from the manager’s job that Liverpool were on a good run and then he came back from injury and stopped it in it’s track. He’s got 90 caps NINETY! How many great games? Hell, how many half decent ones?

Can just see that midfield if Roy goes 4-3-3. Lampard, Parker and Gerrard. Remember when the ran past the midfield in the last World Cup for fun, well two of ‘em are going to be two years older and the other one isn’t exactly Usain Bolt compared to Barry.

Well Roy did get some things right, Rio Ferdinand shouldn’t be on the plane, what he and the media got wrong is it shouldn’t have been either him or Terry. It should be neither. Just look at the way Terry’s been destroyed on the pitch lately. Never mind the fact he’s a loathsome individual.

It’s right that Oxlade-Chamberlain is going you just feel it’s going to be like Walcott in ’06 where he won’t actually get on the pitch. Yes he hasn’t played that much but this tournament should have been the start of using such players with a view to having them ready for the next World Cup. A springboard, not a retirement home day out.

Roy seems to think this is going to be some last hurrah for the Golden Generation – you know the ones that have won bugger all while performing piss poorly for years – but can you see the other countries in England’s group, France, Sweden and Ukraine, quaking in their boots? It looks like a last whimper.

It’s just so disappointing, Roy could have been different, he could have been a breathe of fresh air but what we’ve ended up with looks like the kind of squad ‘Arry, Fabio, McClown, Svennis, Keggy would have come up with.

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It highlights how the game went.

Missing a bunch of main players to begin with – van der Vaart, Lennon and Sandro – followed by the news that the beast at the back Kaboul would now be missing and to top it all ‘Arry’s flight up from London was cancelled. It didn’t look good.

And when things finally kicked off it didn’t look that good either. Lacklustre start with the intention from the very off to leave with a point, nick three if possible.

The bright spark of the first half Spurs wise was a combination of Kranjcar looking like he wanted to try and run things and Livermore putting in another assured performance. He was yet again totally outshining Parker who was just clodhopping around giving away stupid fouls many in a number of dangerous places – i.e. just outside the box.

After all the build up before hand focused on Bale it was a guarantee he would be quiet. Very quiet. Bizarrely, with Liverpool fielding their usual rightback Glen Johnson at leftback it was one time I wanted to see the Welsh winger on the wrong flank. It was screaming out for it, Johnson isn’t that great defending his natural position. Why do they never target a player like that, it was left to Walker with Kranjcar moving inside a lot. Most of the time Walker struggled as Johnson was covered by either Bellamy or Adam.

Another struggler was Adebayor. He just can’t seem to be able to control the ball these days. Though to be fair he was crowded out by at least three players in red most the night. But it’s still a drop in the performance that we all probably expected to come after a blistering start.

It was just a first half lacking in any intent from Spurs.

Intent, funny that when you hear all the discussions about sendings off, was it a red card or should it have been a yellow or was it even a foul the word intent is used a lot. During the second period we saw the side of Bale that pisses off Spurs fans no end, diving. Skrtel didn’t touch him and Bale made the most of it. Skrtel wasn’t impressed, non of us were and Bale was probably lucky he didn’t get more than a yellow for pushing the Liverpool player. But it comes back to that one word, in no way trying to defend Bale’s dive, intent. Skrtel intended to foul Bale. Now if a foul is based on intent does it matter if an actual foul took place?

So that second half panned out much like the first though Liverpool created more chances, brought on their racist rat boy to great acclaim by their faithful, he got booked for kicking Parker in the gut. Saha was introduced to no fanfare and proceeded to underwhelm. It wasn’t probably even a like for like substitution. Oh and Parker was whipping everyone up into a frenzy. Yes he blocked a couple of things but if the ball just hits you when you’ve done nothing it’s not a block or an interception it’s just someone kicking the ball, ineptly straight at you. Bale was booed more and more, this time for having the temerity of being fouled by Skrtel this time round – should have seen red.

All while Spurs didn’t create much and Michael Dawson was becoming the richest man in Scouseland with 35 million quid in his pocket. First half did see one brilliant tackle inside the Spurs box by Dawson on Carroll, world class, Awesome Dawson made us forget Kaboul wasn’t there doing his superman act. It’s just standing next to Ledley isn’t it, brings the best out of any player.

Then Bale had his moment, clean through by a nice ball by Kranjcar, one on one with the ‘keeper and he fluffed it. Just wasn’t his night.

They felt hard done by, was a bit of a park the bus job, especially after the stuffings we’ve handed out to them over the last couple of games. Who knew we’d be disappointed with holding out for a nil-nil at Anfield.

So the cat stole the show…

Liverpool 0 – 0 Tottenham Hotspur

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