After John Terry’s wife, Toni Poole Terry, found out about his affair with ex-Chelsea team mate Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend Vanessa Perroncel, she allegedly went mental…

…and this is the only ad those in his management team that were hawking Terry’s services around in that email last years could manage to get him after the ruckus.

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A day and a half to go and who wants to go outside?

What with that couple of inches of snow bringing the country to a standstill, as a bunch of motorists get white road fever. I know it’s snowing and icy out there, I’ll just stick my foot right down on the accelerator that should do it. Over half the US is covered in snow, have they shut up shop and christ a lot of the drivers I’ve witness over there can’t even deal with a drop of rain.

Of course all the roads stay icy because gritting them well that would be just too easy wouldn’t it. Ah but in these financially restricted times council’s have to get their priorities right, stock piling the salt cost money don’t ya know. So on the one hand they could send the gritters round all the roads, make sure there’s no excuse for this country to come to a grinding halt. But then there would be less money to spend on some nice jolly for certain high up officials’ trips to the towns they’re twinned with in Spain, Portugal, South of France and other nice, warm sunnier spots.

Ah but we’ve used up 15% of gritting stocks, right so what about the other 85%, saving that for a special occasion the summer perhaps. Now I know the Met Office in all their wisdom have fudged all their data and come to the conclusion that next year will be the warmest on record, so we should expect a bit of a chilly one but is it really going to be that bad we’ll need to the roads salted in June and July?

But back to the topic at hand… you don’t have to worry, no trip to the probably still crowded shops to buy some over priced piece of cardboard with some sentimental claptrap, or completely inappropriate picture or message on it because Tesco Value Cards are back…

Yup after the lawyers got involved earlier on this year and had James take the site down someone has come in and rescued fun. So click the image above to visit the site and download your Tesco Value Christmas Card.

Oh and Bah Humbug!

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In days gone past after the death of such a well known face in the acting world as Edward Woodward would be followed up with some tributes. Schedules would be cleared and some of their most famous works would be aired.

Not now, oh god no they couldn’t possibly risk the wrath of those sad individuals whose life falls to pieces if the same show isn’t on at the same time every day. Your piece of crap soap / unreality / Z list celeb worship show etc will be on tomorrow, missing one day isn’t going to make a hell of a lot of difference for a prerecorded programme.

So chances are we won’t get to see a run of “Callan“…

Click here to view the embedded video.

…I mean when was the last time it was shown? Probably the only time I saw it back on Channel 4 in the 80s. Yes it may look a bit dated but the acting, script and style will be far better than the crap put out by the main British channels these days – “Spooks” my arse.

The film could be shown, or “Breaker Morant”, chances are the best he’ll get will be another showing of “The Wicker Man”, which has had a bit of airing recently…

Click here to view the embedded video.

…O, Lord! O, Jesus Christ!

Yes I like the flick, and not just for Britt’s front and the doubles backside.

Why not another showing of “Common as Muck” by the Beeb? Again better than most the rubbish on today and something that hasn’t exactly been aired to death by them. And as ITV like to fill their fourth channel with oldies like “The Saint”, “The Sweeney” etc why not a series of “The Equalizer”, yeah it was overblown Yank crap but passed a fun hour.

But knowing what the execs think our screens should be filled with and their target audience they’ll just repeat that sad old soap which was unfortunately Woodward’s last job on telly.

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It’s a word that is so over used in many aspects of life, genius, music is no exception. How many dullards have you heard being called a genius just because they sell a few records to the sheep of society?

But it as word that should be used to describe the late great Lester William Polsfuss… Les Paul, who sadly died yesterday, August 13th, aged 94.

In a way you can forget the guitar, he didn’t really design the Gibson Les Paul, he just liked what they came up with which was a reverse of the companies reaction to his first solid body creation “The Log”. They asked him to put his name to it and never be see playing anything else but it. Which he did the rest they as they say is history.

It’s everything else he should really be remembered for from his great playing, with the greats to his innovations in sound and recording. With that signature guitar he really was the jazz playing godfather of rock and or roll.

My good mate Jon had the immense pleasure of sitting in with Les Paul at the great man’s regular Monday night gig at New York’s Iridium club in 2007…

Where would music be with the likes of multitracking, tape delay etc? Without “Red Hot Red” the “Wizard of Waukesha”?

Les Paul brought six strings to electricity and electricity to six strings. -Billy Gibbons

Les Paul & Mary Ford – “World Is Waiting For The Sunrise”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Les Paul & Mary Ford – “How High The Moon”

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Much of the attention in the obituaries for Sir Bobby Robson who died today, after finally losing his many battles with cancer aged 76, will no doubt focus well in this country anyway on his tenure as England manager.

In other nations around Europe they’ll no doubt concentrate on his success with clubs in their leagues but here it’ll be that eight year period and then some Tractor Boys stuff and then the post England days abroad then home. They’ll big it up, an unlucky quarter-final and semi-final loss in successive World Cups, a load of what ifs. The problem is like those that preceded and then followed him, Robson was a very good club manager but wasn’t in reality a great manager when he stepped into the international game.

At the time, in 1982, he seemed like a good choice. He had enjoyed very good success with Ipswich Town, after a slow start he got them into the top 5 of the old First Division and only finished out of the top 6 once in the next nine seasons. During which he won the FA Cup (beating the scum) and then the old UEFA Cup. And of course England had previous with Ipswich managers, Sir Alf did pretty well for his country after winning the Championship with the unfancied Portman Road side.

But in reality he shouldn’t have been going for the England job after Ron Greenwood stood down after the ‘82 World Cup. Brian Clough should have got the job before Greenwood and after him, something Robson knew himself. But of course Robson was more an FA type of man than Cloughie was or could ever be.

Like Svennis after him Robson had a pretty good qualifying record, losing only one game in 28, though that loss to Denmark cost England a place in the ‘84 Euro Championship. Robson handed in his resignation to the FA, saying Clough should be given the job, it was rejected.

England qualified for the next World Cup in Mexico, which for many will be remembered for one maybe two incidents all involving a certain little fat magician. “The Hand Of God” and then that other goal that was not bad. England felt unlucky but that quarter-final defeat, to the eventual winners, glossed over what had gone before. A typical England way to head into a tournament take a manger’s favourite player even though he’s injured and a real risk and sure enough he sloped off in the that first game against the mighty Morocco holding his knackered shoulder. A nil nil draw, was followed by one nil loss to Portugal. Looked like we were doing a Jock job and going to be home before the postcards. Robson to his credit changed things and brought Beardsley in the partner Lineker, though why he picked Mark Hately to begin with was a black mark. The Boy Lineker’s hat-trick against Poland and somehow England are through. Paraguay easy in the second round and then that game.

It wasn’t the hand of God. It was the hand of a rascal. God had nothing to do with it… That day, Maradona was diminished in my eyes forever. - Sir Bobby Robson

Though why didn’t he question his ‘keeper, why was a fat midget whose hand with a bent elbow was barely above his head height allowed to reach the ball against a a goalkeeper who can jump reach fully with his arms and use his hands. A loyalty that would cost the manager again in the future but the incident allowed a great deal of glossing over.

What followed two years later was by far the lowest part of the England years. After a great qualifying run in which only one point was dropped England went to the ‘88 European Championship in West Germany as one of the favourites. And then it all went wrong, as England were inept in all three group matches losing to Ireland, Holland and the USSR, though the latter two would contest the final it was by no means any consolation. The press went after the manager, even the foreign ones, asking how a team of Lineker, Beardsley, Barnes, Hoddle, Waddle, Robson etc could be so bad.

A friendly draw with Saudi Arabia followed as did more vilification and then another resignation letter. Fear of Cloughie lead to it again being rejected.

So onto 1990 again qualifying was a breeze, as they went through without dropping a goal. Yet again “England Captain” hobbled out early with an injury. England started again with a struggling draw, though it being against Ireland it was an upgrade on the previous tournament’s loss. The following game saw a major shift as 4-4-2 formation was dropped to use a sweeper, Robson claimed it was all his doing but most know it was a player revolt that saw the switch. Nil nil against Holland, again better than the defeat two years previously but it didn’t inspire any confidence. A struggle to beat Egypt in the final group game 1-0 again didn’t indicate England deserved their top six seeding but it did mean they were through to the next round.

A last second of extra time winner by David Platt, a great goal from a great delivery, meant a quarter-final against the surprise of the Cameroon. England outplayed and very lucky with some manic attempts of defending by the African side got through by two penalties by Gary Lineker the first to get to extra-time the second to win the game.

Being in the semi for only the second time again glossed over what had gone before. England finally played a decent game against the West Germans, their best performance by far. The manager’s favouritism would cost though as Shilton was still between the posts. So many had a go at Parker for doing his job of rushing the ball after Olaf Thon tapped a free kick to Andreas Brehme, it bounced off the fullback and looped over Shilton who was needlessly off his line, after all Parker was doing the blocking. Parker then put in defence confusing ball for Lineker to equalise. Chances in extra-time came and went, Waddle didn’t half hammer the woodwork, Gazza got that yellow card produced the tearsand so penalties, and most of the players couldn’t remember Shilton ever saving any.

A loss on penalties to the winners was classed as unlucky but again it glossed over what had gone before, it may have been unlucky but Robson’s side were exceptionally lucky to get that far. And so after being told by the FA before the tournament that they wouldn’t renew his contract Robson stepped down on a perceived high. The following disaster of the Graham Taylor reign did a lot to make the previous regime look a lot better than it was.

After the international game he moved back into club management around Europe, with some success. Starting in Holland with PSV Eindhoven then onto Portugal with Lisbon and Porto, then onto Spain with Barcelona and finally back to PSV. He won the Dutch Championship and Portuguese Championship twice, Portuguese Cup, Spanish Super Cup, Copa del Ray and European Cup Winners’ Cup once.

And finally had his dream move to the manage the club he supported as a child, Newcastle, bringing them a stability they’d known for so few times before and certain never since his sacking.

So R.I.P. a great servant of the game both in England, as both player – where of course he took part in that 9-3 thrashing of the Jocks in 1961 – and manager, and abroad who did it all in such a gentlemanly and dignified manner including his five fights with cancer.

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Mollie Sugden and I share a a birth place, town wise, she used to live just round from where my aunt lives and I used to pass the place when going to the park.

But I never did see her pussy…

Click here to view the embedded video.

…though there was a strange smell round the park.

Looks like Twitter and a bunch of Yanks took objection to #MrsSlocombesPussy trending on Twitter, funny as it was a reasonable hit in the States and a friend from over there used to like it and he was still in his teens.

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Which one of these two will be the most happy that Gordon’s alive…

The leader from 1980 to 1983 and then from 1996 to present day Pepe the King Prawn from The Muppets… Michael Foot.

…or the man who took over from him in ‘83 the Welsh Windbag Neil Kinnock…

Well after giving it a bit of thought I’ve gone for the Welsh Windbag, first time for everything I suppose. Old Pepe probably hasn’t got a clue what’s going on anyway, he didn’t seem to back when he wasn’t that relevant in his early 90s back in the early 80s and Kinnock has the added bonus that the rest of his family are or have been on the public screw, to go with his nice pensions/stipends from the public purse.

The wife is in the Lords as Minister for Europe, his son held various senior positions with the British Council quango, and organisation Kinnock senior was the chair of and the other offspring the daughter works for Gormless Gordon in the Political Office at 10 Downing Street.

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Or indeed a victim of any sort of ism or a class war, he was the chief pig with his own special trough who over saw the piglets and all they were up to from the high table.

All his little mates snorting off to anyone who would listen that it was a hatchet job by the real culprits and his enemies in the media. The fact that he was the one that oversaw everything that was going on and knew exactly how bad it was had nothing to do with it.

Yes that’s the way to instill public confidence in our elected officials have the bloke who milked the system for all he could get, made sure his clubhouse chums could do the same with very few questions asked, made sure the Commons sleaze buster Elizabeth Filkin couldn’t do her job when she got close to the truth about his mates and spent thousands upon thousands of the public’s money in legal fees at the High Court to make sure no details of this gorging at the trough found the light of day.

Indeed how would the public view a man who should be at the centre of reforming the system when he seemed not to care a jot that what we’ve been reading about was going on but was more interested in finding out how we came to be reading it and making sure any culprits were made to pay the price. Theft of a disc is of course more important and should involve the police more than the theft of all that tax payers cash.

All that added to the fact he’s been an atrocious Speaker.

The clue is in the title, when this lot chose the next person for the job make sure it’s someone who can speak out loud. Not someone who stumbles over a simple statement that he himself as written.

While you’re at it chose someone who doesn’t hold the office with such contempt, one that doesn’t have such a huge chip on their shoulder, maybe if that had been the case here things wouldn’t have gone so bad. Those that knew the workings of the office would still be about and not the victims of some class war then maybe Mick might have had a better handle on rules and regs and wouldn’t have to ask a clerk if the no confidence vote about him was a substantive bill or not.

And try and get one who isn’t a toady for the sitting government, who ever that will end up being, with such a majority as Labour have had over their period in office having a yes man like Martin in the chair as helped in the process of removing any powers of the house.

And one with a thicker skin would help, someone who can stand the pressure of having a nickname – how dare those horrible English sketch writers do such a thing – it was a good job for him Spitting Image wasn’t still around. Maybe it would be better to get one who is an actual drunk not a lifelong teetotaller who looks and speaks like he’s rat arsed.

Bring back Betty.

Now Martin has just a month to get his own back on those that turned against him, he’s already started on some in that petty way you’d expect, will Kate Hoey be called upon again? Before he trots off to another place, where not only will his trough be gold but it’ll be draped in ermine.

Lord Toady of Toad Hall with his nice lit… large pension the details of which of course he drew up himself – well someone has to pay for his wife’s flights to new York and taxi trips to Sainsbury’s and John Lewis and isn’t that what the British public are there for?

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After all she may have put her name to it but as someone whose only status is “on message” there’s no way she could have written it by herself. Hazel Blears is the prime example of a Nu Labour bint, promoted above her station based on her only talent – to be the Phil Neale to a Graham Taylor saying “yes boss” when called upon – and like so many you struggle to understand why the word “babe” was ever used – it’s a ginga dwarf for christ sake.

That’s why she couldn’t have written it herself, she can’t think for herself, if she could she wouldn’t be anywhere near the cabinet. No she’s you bog standard Stepford Minister handed a piece of paper with what to say written on it by someone Stalin Brown trusts to instill the fear, she’s told to read the script, memories the script do not deviate from the script. Why would they need someone who could think on their feet.

So she stumps up on various TV programs, regurgitates the script as she was told and then just repeats phrases from the text when asked questions, no matter what those questions are, who cares if they have absolutely nothing to do with the prepared script. Question about the Gurkhas, just repeat lines about Joseph Brown saving the world with his superior economic knowledge. What about the police killing people wandering around the street? Gordon is teaching other world leaders how to get out of this financial mess. Are you retarded? Gordon as made sure you haven’t had it any better.

So which leadership campaigner handed her the script that appeared in the Observer?

Even with this disastrous presentation…

Click here to view the embedded video.

…poor old Squirrel would be too thick to figure out how bad it is.

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Yes him, the one taking the fall for the Home Secretary claiming expenses for watching some films and not just porno ones either, obviously it took them a couple of viewings to get the intricacies of “Ocean’s Thirteen”.

Well after seeing him shuffle out he back door of his “second home” – you know the main residence of the Home Secretary in her constituency that she’s claiming for – I can’t make up my mind…

…he’s one of them lot.

Does he look like, one time England captain and ex-Spurs manager Gerry Francis or old time West Ham player and father of current England international Frank Lampard Snr, or ex-Radio 1 DJ and current host of a show that has people thinking guessing about boxes is a skill Noel Edmonds or The Master after falling on hard times.

The bizarrely titled “Blair Babe” – well if you consider someone who wouldn’t look out of place in the part of Mimi Maguire’s sister in Shameless a babe – hasn’t been a great friend to the porn industry, talking out against it and cracking down on it in best Gormless Gordon Soviet Britain style. So it’s strange to see that one of the films watched would seem to be aimed at either women or the gay market.

Did someone watch it on that night when MS. Smith was out of town or was it recorded for later viewing?

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We should be able to say what we want, even if it’s asking if “mo’s for Greenpeace women is standard issue“, but there are certain things that cross so far over the line something has to be done.

And they have to be done even if it puts you on par with the old Soviet regimes, i.e. just slightly less restrictive than the society that Gormless Gordon is trying to create in Britain. You have to censor and ban things for the good of the population.

That line was crossed with the news that Black Lace are to release a remix of their #2 chart hit from 1984 “Agadoo“. No it’s not an April Fool, it sounds like it should be as all these do but if it’s posted on here it’s after noon

A petition has been started to have this banned…

Remixing this horrific slice of mind-wilting, wedding-disco diarrhoea is akin to spray-painting a steaming turd brown.
What makes it even more insulting is that a video for the new version has already been shot, directed by former Coronation Street actor Bruce Jones (aka Les Battersby), and ’stars’ Kevin Kennedy (be-curtained moron Curly Watts).
Take a minute to imagine your middle-aged relatives forming a conga line at your birthday party, and then sign this petition to ensure this drastic toepoke-in-the-goolies of musical integrity forever remains consigned to the bargain bin of chart history. THANK YOU.
- TG

Sign the petition, spread the word and save the world…

Click here to view the embedded video.

“Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, push pineapple, shake the tree, Aga-doo-doo-doo, push pineapple, grind coffee.”

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Don’t know exactly how it’ll fit in with the next series of QI, onto “G” next isn’t it, but a tweet from the QI Elves – the qikipedia – caught my eye the other day…psychedelic chicks…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Brought back memories from right on 10 years ago when I first saw little critters like these.

The guy who started the school I was attending at the time used to live in the back of the lot the school is housed in South Phoenix. He would come down pretty much every day, normally with some sort of grub to hand out – bananas, why not, croissants and bananas, yeah that sounds good, croissants and bananas and Chimichangas, think I’ll pass today Juan thanks – to have a chat and to pick up his mail. The ravages of time had caught up with him but he was a great old bloke was John.

And he got sent some bizarre stuff but this was the strangest, an Easter gift of a box full of, the above styled, multi-coloured chicks.

I am surprised he never actually handed them out to the students at the time, don’t know what happened to them, but it wasn’t long after that a hand full of us were in on a Saturday when one of the instructors came in and asked if we’d seen the old guy, no we hadn’t, we were then told he’d been found beaten badly in a pool of his own blood out in his trailer. He was still alive, just, we all charged out to have a look for any perpetrator but they were long gone.

It wasn’t the greatest part of town to be based in, the number killed in the drive by a block down on my first day there pointed to that, but Juan Roberto was an independent old bugger and missed by those who attended the school that bore his made up name.

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Imran Khan said he knew this for a fact because…

Terrorists rely on support from the masses because that’s where they get their recruits, and cricket is a game which is so loved and there’s such passion in Pakistan, that the terrorists know that if a cricket match is bombed, they’ve had it.

The public will just turn against them - Imran Khan

Well the actions in Lahore yesterday blew that assumption clean out of the water, didn’t they Imran.

The ex-England opener and current match official Chis Broad has had some interesting things to say about the security his colleagues and the Sri Lankan team were provided with by the Pakistan authorities.

I am angry at the Pakistani security forces.

We were promised high level security and in our hour of need that security vanished and they left us to be sitting ducks. had an inkling before the Test match leg of the tour that something might happen.

I raised my concerns with the ICC before the tour started and they passed on those concerns to the Pakistan Cricket Board and they assured me through email that all security would be taken care of, presidential-style security. And clearly that didn’t happen.

When we were in the van we weren’t aware of what was going on outside. But afterwards when you watch the TV pictures you can clearly see the white van we were in, in the middle of a roundabout and not a sign of a policeman anywhere. - Chris Broad

The thing is that does constitute “presidential-style security” that’s why so many leaders are killed out there and sometimes by those they trust. Which brings to this amazing piece of good luck…

The Pakistan team coach, which had travelled alongside the Sri Lankans on the first two days of the match, was delayed and so avoided the attack - Telegraph

…what a lucky coincidence that was.

Pakistan is now a no go area for touring teams, after all who thought they’d go after the Sri Lankan team. England have to consider themselves extremely lucky nothing happened to them when they returned to India after the Bombay attack, after all what kind of security can really stand up to rocket launchers?

With no teams heading there the attackers will move south as they’ve shown they can do it with ease, it could just destroy the international game in the subcontinent. How many players will be thinking hard about whether the money they will earn from the IPL is good enough to risk what would be a very high profile target.

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Patrick McGoohan, who died aged 80 on January 13th, wasn’t the greatest actor about – Orson Welles may have been “intimidated” by his stage presence – from Danger Man through to the Columbo’s he played the same character, he was stiff and for a guy who did a lot of action stuff couldn’t run or fight for toffee. James Bond or Simon Templar would have been very different if he’d taken up the chance to play either of them but then he couldn’t because they always got the girl in the end and that wasn’t something McGoohan wanted his character to do.

But then he did come up with one of the best bits of sixties telly The Prisoner…

Click here to view the embedded video.

A true classic piece of “what the hell was that all about” must see TV.

What chance the recently made remake will be a shadow of the original and probably made by examining focus group forms so Number 6 will get the girl and get out of the Village.

I will not make any deals with you. I’ve resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign. - Number 6

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It’s been reported that The Stooges founder, guitarist and bass player was found dead in his Ann Arbor home today.

You don’t need a reason to fire up The Stooges first three albums, the last reunion one can be left out, but their self titled debut, Fun House and (the remastered) Raw Power are must haves for any true rock and or roll fan and should be played in honour of a rock legend passing.

The Stooges – 1969

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The Stooges – 1970

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The Stooges – I Wanna Be Your Dog

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The Stooges – TV Eye & 1970

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The Stooges – Gimme Danger

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The Stooges – No Fun

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Now that’s punk not that boyband pistols lot of fakes…

Will have to get out the old fuzz box and rip up some Stooges riffs tonight.

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